Vegan Fart Fest

A few months before my fiftieth birthday, I began to employ various strategies to make me feel better about the fact that I am getting waytoofucking old. This involved things like dyeing my hair purple, doing 50 pushups and 50 sit ups for 50 days, and eating vegan for the month of January.

 Loved the hair. The pushups and sit ups were a great idea; by the end, I was doing 100 easily and had some serious guns going. But the vegan diet? Not so much.

By the time my month of eating vegan came to an end, the 100 cans of beans I’d consumed had caught up with me. I ate “meat” balls made out of beans, burgers made out of beans, soups thickened with beans, sauces made with beans, and even a mayo substitute made from the gross, stinky juice from canned garbanzo beans. I loved the fart juice mayo so much, I put it on everything. After 30 days of beans, more beans, and nothing but beans-so-help-me-god, it was as if every single legume remained in the pit of my stomach undigested, like marbles rattling around in the bottom of an empty bowl.

 Rather than becoming thin and lithe like all the cool vegan chicks I follow on Instagram, my stomach stuck out even more. How was this possible, I wondered, when I had given up almost every food group there is?

By the time the month came to an end, the 100 cans of beans I’d eaten had caught up with me.

One day, in the midst of my little vegan experiment, an older woman at yoga sat down next to me and said, “Oh, I didn’t know you were expecting!”

 Rather than swat her over the head with my sweaty yoga mat, I replied coolly, “No, I already had the baby.”

 Her red, splotchy face looked surprised, but relieved. “Really? When was that?”

 “Four years ago,” I replied, still trying to act nonchalant. I mean, at least she thought I was young enough to be able to have a baby.

In addition to looking six months pregnant, I began to feel like an inflated balloon that might levitate off the ground, only to come down as I let out another disturbingly long and loud fart. As I writhed around in bed like a beetle on its back, moaning and groaning and clutching my stomach, Ryan scowled at me and said, “Go eat a burger or something.”

Don’t get me wrong; there were a lot of things I loved about eating vegan.

Groceries are a lot less expensive when you’re not buying organic meat and dairy products; I never felt too full, and despite many nights at the, er, gas station, I never experienced heartburn, indigestion, or any other unpleasant side effects from eating too much.

I loved the study in flavor profiles that vegan cooking depends on to make vegetables, beans and grains taste like something more. I learned how to create delicious sauces, dressings, and soups I will continue to make whether I’m eating meat or not. I also loved the conservation aspect of plant-based eating, not contributing to the obscene carbon footprint necessary to support the industrial meat and dairy industries.

I also noticed my skin was suddenly even-toned, glowing, and clear. And strangely, I didn’t need to eat as much, which might have something to do with better regulated insulin levels. I think one of my favorite discoveries was vegan baking, which uses ingredients like flax seed, coconut oil, oat flour, almond butter and maple syrup instead of butter, flour, and sugar to create super yummy cookies, muffins, breads and cakes that are packed full of healthy fats and fiber—maybe not calorie-free, but at least guilt free in terms of being nutrient-dense.

 Another thing I love is I’ve learned to make a lot of stuff from scratch, from energy bars and crackers to breads and spreads. This is probably the biggest benefit: being able to avoid processed foods altogether if you have the time, energy, and desire to follow some simple recipes.

Perhaps my favorite discovery was aquafaba mayo. It’s made from the juice of garbanzo beans (that’s the aquafaba) mixed with a slow drizzle of oil, exactly how you’d make real mayo from egg and oil. I know it sounds gross, but the consistency of this stuff is gorgeous. It’s thick and silky and looks exactly like real mayo. You can make everything from chipotle aioli and ranch dressing to lemon garlic tzatziki sauce.

 Just short of rubbing the stuff all over my body, I put it on everything.

 “You know, you get gas from the juice that’s in the bean can, not from the bean itself,” my friend Chef Katie Baum told me one day when I was at her house complaining about my awful vegan gas dilemma. “That’s why making beans from scratch is so much better.”

I immediately thought of my brother, who has lived in Costa Rica for 15 years and is completely grossed out by the fact that we eat canned beans in America. God damnit, I hate it when I have to admit he’s right.

I guess I realized food is too much a part of life to rule out animal products entirely. I’d hate to forgo enjoying special meals lovingly prepared by friends and family, or experiencing new cultures, restaurants, and chefs because I’ve decided to go vegan. Instead, I can take everything I’ve learned and loved and apply it to eating healthy. I love the idea of “plant based” or “plant forward” with a focus on whole foods I can make from scratch.

 After a month of stepping on the gas when it comes to eating vegan, I’m ready to pump the breaks a little—and then maybe go have a nice, juicy steak.

 VEGAN STUFF I LOVE:

Check out www.loveandlemons.com. With a wide variety of “vegetable forward” dishes that are often vegan and gluten free, Jeanine Donofrio offers tons of healthy alternatives to classic dishes that are so good. I am obsessed with her breakfast cookies! Also check out her cookbooks, The Love & Lemons Cookbook and Love & Lemons Every Day.

 Love her or hate her, Gwyneth Paltrow does know a thing or two about healthy eating. A friend gave me one of her cookbooks, The Clean Plate, which features a series of doctor-prescribed cleanses and recipes. This is my go-to when I want something healthy but want to try something new—and where the dreaded aquafaba mayo recipe comes from.

 My dear friend Lisa Cohen, a nutritionist, life coach, fitness expert, and co-founder of Good Clean Food Delivered has been a huge inspiration and guide in helping me to make healthy eating part of my life and not just something I do as part of a program. I have a file folder of her recipes and promise to share some of my favorites.

 Oh She Glows is basically the Vegan for Beginners blog and Cookbook. I have also found some great recipes on the Minimalist Baker and Cookie and Kate.

 I am also super lucky because I live next door to Chef Katie Hueth, a private chef who creates many of the magical meals for GCF. If you’d rather have someone else do the cooking for you, she’s your girl. www.icookyoueat.com.

 If you don’t already have one, a Vitamix is a must—this industrial blender has the power to create smooth sauces from just about anything you decide to throw in it. And I’m this-close to investing in an Almond Cow to make nut milk at home.

 Got anything to add to the conversation? I would love to hear it in the comments, or email me at ali@sevencastles.life.