Spring Cleanse: Flushing it out—literally.

“I don’t know if I can take it anymore,” I moaned, clutching my stomach as it growled, both with hunger and something that resembled backed up sewage moving through pipes. Come to think of it, that’s exactly what it was. I was on day five of my ten-day cleanse and things had started moving.

I writhed around on the couch like a beetle on its back and whined to Ryan, who was eating a plate full of nachos just inches away from me, the scent of melted cheese wafting up my nostrils. “Those green power shakes look the same way coming out as they do going in. I don’t know if I can do it.”

Let’s just say I made several trips to the bathroom that night and wondered if I was crazy to be doing a cleanse in the middle of a pandemic. I reminded myself that these unpleasantries are a normal part of the process and a sign that my body was ridding itself of toxins. The pandemic and all the stress I carried around in the form of extra pounds on my small frame was precisely the reason I was doing this. I soldiered on.

Let’s just say I made several trips to the bathroom that night and wondered if I was crazy to be doing a cleanse in the middle of a pandemic.

In the end, I made it through the Purium 10-Day Transformation Cleanse, drinking green power shakes that tasted like dirt and mold and a hint of dryer lint, and taking the amino acid supplements big as horse pills with a chalky consistency that left a bad taste in my mouth no matter how fast I choked them down.

 You’re also allowed to eat “flex foods” which entails a thrilling list of the kind of vegetables your mom forced you to finish including most green vegetables, cauliflower, avocado, watermelon, berries, and apples, but only at prescribed intervals (every two hours) and at measured portions (typically one cup). If you really want to go nuts, you can season your food with coconut oil, garlic, salt, and lemon juice. Oh, and you can eat celery whenever you want!

 Oh, I cheated. I ate carrots, tomatoes, onions and snap peas (Oh my!) and would douse my stir-fried veggies and cauliflower rice with coconut aminos. I ate more than one cup of blueberries (shhhhh!). I got to the point where I was so desperate, I’d sprinkle salt onto a plate and eat it from licked fingers.

 I was hungry. All. The. Time.

 Here’s the thing: it worked.

 I hadn’t been feeling good in my body at all. I felt heavy and bloated. My stomach hurt, and my clothes felt tight, like I had too many layers on but couldn’t take them off. My skin broke out and my eyes looked puffy with dark circles. I had chronic knee pain that kept me up at night and my muscles felt tight and my joints were stiff no matter how much yoga I did.

I joked I’d gained the “quarantine 15” and allowed myself to indulge a little more than I normally would. I drank beer every night. I baked a lot of cookies. I snacked absentmindedly and ate gluten and carbs with reckless abandon. Like the gnocchi we made from scratch on Easter to honor Ryan’s Italian grandmother. Or Ryan’s first crack at homemade bread that tasted so warm and sweet, each bite felt like someone rubbing my back in gentle, slow circles.

What’s not so comforting is when you’re living in yoga pants because your jeans are so tight you can’t wait to take them off, so why even bother getting dressed in the first place? It’s not like anyone can see you from the waist down on Zoom.

It blows my mind how significant a role nutrition plays in our health and overall well-being. Had I gone to an orthopedic surgeon with my knee pain, I may have ended up in surgery when all I had to do was lay off sugar for a few days. It also amazes me how much better I feel in my own skin; how much easier it is to get into my favorite yoga poses; how much lighter I feel when I kick up into a handstand, or how I feel a spring in my step, even hiking up the steep sections of my favorite trail. And for all the money I spend on Botox and fancy skincare products, this cleanse is evidence that the best way to treat our skin is from the inside out. My complexion is glowing, even-toned and vibrant. Even the whites of my eyes look whiter.

It’s not like I’m done now that the cleanse is over. Like my mom always says, “It’s a lifelong battle, sweetie.” Every day, every choice I make matters. I want to write a letter to myself, to remind myself how good it feels to be healthy, to eat well, and to never forget that the time we invest in ourselves and our own well-being always pays off.

I gave up on the being society’s ideal of what I’m supposed to look like a long time ago. I will never be thin, or tall, or long-limbed. But I can take care of myself. I can feel good. I think this is something so many women deny ourselves. The idea that we’re the caregivers of everyone else before we take care of us has been so deeply ingrained, we lose sight of the fact that if we take good care of ourselves first, we can take better care of others. And if we can truly love ourselves, we can love others. We can be better moms, wives, girlfriends, professionals, and friends. Loving ourselves is not something we are taught or even encouraged to do. In fact, it is often the opposite. We are encouraged to fix our so-called flaws, to compare ourselves to others, and to aspire to an ideal that is not even possible without cosmetic surgery.

We are taught that taking care of ourselves is selfish. But it’s not. It’s necessary.

With love, sashimi, and velvet pug ears,